The most useless iPhone apps

Dec 29, 2009
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As far as I’m concerned, an iPhone app isn’t an iPhone app unless it has a practical application.  That’s where the “app” comes from, right?  Apps that fart?  Dumb.  Apps that say “That’s what she said!” in 42 different tones of voice?  Irritating.  Entertainment for 12-year-old boys. And, well, many men I know. Have you ever searched the iTunes […]

As far as I’m concerned, an iPhone app isn’t an iPhone app unless it has a practical application.  That’s where the “app” comes from, right?  Apps that fart?  Dumb.  Apps that say “That’s what she said!” in 42 different tones of voice?  Irritating.  Entertainment for 12-year-old boys. And, well, many men I know.

Have you ever searched the iTunes App Store for “fart?”  I think I now know why there are 100,000 iPhone apps in the store. There are more than 300 that fart, and range in price from free to more than $1.99, including a free iPhone app called Girls! Guns! Farts! (really).  If random screams are more your taste, get Screams in a Can (free).

Are you a big fan of glow sticks?  Get iGlowStick, which is free. Unless you’d like your glow sticks to be animated, then you can get the pro version for 99 cents.  As of this writing, iGlowStick is one of the Top 20 free iPhone apps.  Really.  Am I missing something?  No, really.  Am I?  Is that what the iPhone is for?  To make farting sounds and so I can stare at it mindlessly, looking at the pretty lights?

You know what’s currently No. 11 in the Top Paid entertainment iPhone apps?  Pocket Girlfriend (99 cents).  What amazes me is that it has four times as many one-star ratings as it does five-star.  So, Pocket Girlfriend making it into the top paid iPhone apps category is based upon how many idiots there are who will pay 99 cents for pure garbage rather than how well the iPhone app is executed.

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Who’s approving these things for sale in the iTunes App Store?  That’s what I’d like to know. So far, it appears as if it might be six homely guys who’ve been locked in a room with too much caffeine.

Thinking about going ice skating?  Get the Ice Thickness (free).  Just make sure you remember the overnight temperatures for the last week or so.

Are you frequently late or like to blow off work or school?  Get the Excuse Generator, (free, or 99 cents for the Pro version).  Because you’re so dang lazy you can’t even think up your own bad excuse.

There’s an iPhone app called Kids Paid ($2.99) which helps you keep track of how much you have to pay your kids to do stuff for you. First of all, if you pay your child for doing every single thing you ask them to do, they likely won’t forget how much you owe them. Secondly, stop doing that. Forgive the parenting advice, but basic chores are part of being in a family. Nobody in my house gets a quarter for going to grab a gallon of milk when we’re in the store.

Can’t figure out if you get along with someone or not? Spend 99 cents on LetsJell. Or, try getting your iPhone out of your face and do some real social interaction.

What scares me about all these garbage iPhone apps (and these are by no means all of them) is that there are people buying them and using them. And developing them. And getting them approved for sale in the iTunes App Store. It’s enough to shake one’s faith in humanity.

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