rAPPture: Apps for those of us left behind in the end time

May 17, 2011

I know. It’s sad news, you’ve barely had time to show off your white iPhone 4 and you’ll never know what they’re working on for iPhone 5, but like it or not, the rapture is coming. Ok, so the rapture has been predicted before, but only in 1994, 1993, 1992, 1989, 1988, 1981, 1975 and like six other times, but this time folks, IT’S FOR REALS. Now on Saturday, some of us will be ascending to that glowing white place (and I don’t mean the Apple store) and the rest of us will be left here to fend for ourselves. I’m assuming most of us have worshipped our devices like the idols that they are and fully sold our souls to AT&T (I just KNOW there was something about my soul in the contract) so lots of you Apple fan boys and girls should be roaming the earth here with me. The time of tribulations is going to suck, no doubt, but it can’t be worse than the time before 3G access, and at least we’ll have a slew of apps to guide us along the way. And hell, if Saturday isn’t the rapture, I’m sure this list won’t be too stale by 2012.

Oh, and if you’re looking for a way to kill time before the end time, then read more appy stories over at www.Ladyappapp.com

How to Profit From the Coming Rapture by Steve and Evie Levy

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When God gives you rapture, make millions! Your ship has finally come in, my friend, the rapture is the investment opportunity of a lifetime. You’ve got 7 good years before the Armageddon so if early retirement is something you’ve been dreaming of, you have about four years to squeeze as much cash out of the Buddhists, Jews, Muslims and other heathens as you can.


Adobe Photoshop Express

So, the verdict is still out as to whether or not God sucks people up to heaven COMPLETELY naked, if he does it so fast that he sucks off their naughty bits, or if he just grabs you khakis and all, but regardless, this is something you’re going to want to get a picture of. Now since they’ll be ascending to heaven to quickly, it may be tough to get a clear shot. Photoshop’s sharpen feature should help you tighten things up a bit before you post to your Facebook wall.


Best Buy

Looting is wrong kids. Like during the LA riots, it’s not cool to bust open a window and help yourself to some poor sap’s goods he needs to sell. Now if that poor sap happens to be raptured and no longer NEEDS those goods to make a living, well, that’s a different story all together. Assuming all those cops go flying up to heaven (which, since they are all pure souls, I’m sure they will), the stores of the raptured are really just fair game. It would be downright sinful to let that Kinect just rot on the shelves. Now, we all have our vices..for some of you, you’ll want to replace this with the Sephora app or the Ikea app, but for me, I’m hitting Best Buy…and tiling my house with iPad’s Yee Haw!

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When Christians Disappear – The Rapture

Not all of us went to vacation bible school and got that joy joy joy joy down in our hearts. The only rapture we know is that Blondie song. So if you were one of those poor heathen kids whose grandma secretly had to baptize you in the bathtub while your parents were out playing slots, this is the app for you. It’s like the Cliff’s Notes on the rapture.


Disaster Readiness [HD]

Maybe I’ve mistakenly made this rapture seem all fun and games. Apparently there’s going to be some tribulations, nothing we haven’t already gotten used to this year, you know, like earthquakes and big waves. This is why we loot early, to make sure we’re comfortable and prepared when the tribulations arrive…in other words, while you’re hauling those diamonds out of Jared’s, make a quick stop into target and grab yourself some Off spray for the locusts and some bottled water for when all the taps start pouring blood. This app should help you prep for any other surprises that come along the way.



Not entirely sure about this whole rapture thing? Are you one of those people that always has to play it safe – you’ve got your boxers on while everyone skinny dips? You’re willing to host the rapture party but at the last minute you’re ducking out for the nearest priest? Know that the rest of us are going to fully declare you a party pooper, but if you are really that doubtful, this is the app for you. Just first off, know that you’ll need a working car or some good shoes. Through the magic of push notifications, this app will alert you 30 minutes before the rapture and direct you to your nearest house of worship. Better hope there’s not a line.

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Rapture Raptor

So you saw Jurassic park and you’re really stressed out. You know they work in teams, you know they’re smart, you know they have these crazy claws that will rip out your gut. Wait wait…did you think we were talking about RAPTORS? No sweetie, we said RAPTURE. I could see where you would be confused, I mean, they both have about a .0000000001% of actually appearing. Actually, raptors probably have a higher chance of showing up, I mean, that’s just basic science..you know, dino DNA in the amber and all. But if you’re still really concerned about the raptors coming May 21, you can at least alleviate your stressasaurus with this app.


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